life in the desert …

i haven’t written a post in a while and there’s a reason why. i’ve been wandering through a desert. not a physical one, of course, but a figurative one. an emotional one. a spiritual one.

in short, i’ve been lost.

the irony is that i’m supposed to be a sort of expert on surviving spiritual deserts. or at least avoiding them. but somehow i found myself in one and i couldn’t find a way out. what do you do when the life you thought you were so carefully building decides to not just fall apart, but walk away? all of the pieces you hand picked and thought if you laid them out carefully enough and even lovingly enough, they would become the life you’ve always wanted. then reality hits and like the aftermath of a tornado, you’re left holding a few broken pieces or no pieces at all. just questions and two choices. become hard and bitter. or cynical and isolated. you choose both.

the funny not so funny thing about deserts is that you think you can make it through to the other side, but the desert is vast and merciless. it leaves no room for error. it strips of you any pretense of what might be. only what is.

you. the sun. and the endless sand.

at first you’re in denial. you don’t believe that things are as bad as you suspect they might be. but sooner or later you begin to realize that the sand does not end. the things you hold onto ever so tightly slip through your fingers. you become angry. you become angry at others. angry at yourself. angry at God. if He is real … IF … why would He allow you to go through this? if He’s not real, then life is a cruel joke. and the wise man of Ecclesiastes is right. life is meaningless.

when you go through the desert, it is never a short journey. on the contrary you feel as if it will never end. the sun. the heat. the pain. the thirst. the misery. you rant and rave. you cry out for help. you weep in hopelessness. you fall asleep. and that’s just the first day. you exist like this for many, many, many days, if you’re lucky. for some of us, the days become years and very quickly, a lifetime. all of this takes place under the surface of “how are you?”-”I’m fine”.

are all of us afraid of telling the truth? or is it just me?

there are only two outcomes in the desert. you die. or someone rescues you.

this is where God comes in. don’t worry … i’m not going to get sentimental here. someone said to me recently that God is the ultimate realist. i think she’s right. He knows what life is really like. He didn’t want it to be that way, but we came along and screwed it up. He’s been in the repair business ever since. i’m learning that breaking stuff is easy. it’s the fixing part that takes time and a whole lot of sweat and tears.

someone also said that God takes those He loves into the desert. i think he’s right. not just because i happen to be in the desert, but because as i’ve been in the desert – kicking and screaming, ranting and raving, shouting and weeping … God has been silent. like a parent who watches his child throw a tantrum. the wise parent knows the child needs to go through this. because the child is who he is. a child. an egotistical, self-centered, prideful, stubborn, needs-repeated-kicks-in-the-ass brat.

that would be me.

in the desert you learn how it feels to die. and your instinct is to fight it. you try with every strength you have … to live. you make empty promises. you try to hold onto whatever vestiges of hope and life you think you have left and you hold onto them more tightly and desperately than ever before. but the harder you squeeze, the faster everything falls through your fingers and gets lost in the sand. your water runs out and before you know it, you have nothing left. nothing but you, the sun and the endless sand.

if you’re fortunate … somewhere in the many, many, many days or years of wandering in the desert, you learn to die. not out of spite or hopelessness, but in the realization that all of the things you thought you were or wanted to be, were nothing but a mirage. and you simply let go.

when you learn to let go, the mirage starts to fade and the truth begins to take shape. God was here all along. allowing you to die to your self. because that is what you needed to do.

the best outcome in the desert is when you learn to die AND someone rescues you. because that’s when you start to see the truth. you need God.

you need God more than you need anything else.

and you learn to drink and eat His words as if your life depended on it.

because it really does.

Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.