well, what have i been up to? aside from the usual – family, friends, work, school, etc., i’ve been getting back into photography. the funny thing is, i’ve always been into photography since college when my buddy Craig put a manual Pentax into my hands and made me shoot pictures for the school yearbook (note to self: thank Craig, the next time i see him). through the years i’ve gone through a pretty good inventory of camera gear and steady shooting, that is, until this past year when i realized that i wasn’t taking quite as many pictures as before (i blame my iPhone). i started to notice an odd phenomenon … the bigger my camera system got (DSLR + lenses), the less pictures i found myself taking. it was easier to reach for my iPhone and snap some quick pics rather than lug around the ever growing DSLR. the only thing was … i really liked my DSLR!

until one day while perusing the internet, i happened to read a review on a new camera. it was a poor man’s take on the Leica rangefinder. what is a Leica you say? it’s like a smaller, thinner version of an SLR with manual knobs and dials that looks very vintage/retro. i think one professional photographer said it best – it is the best camera ever made by man. period. the only problem is … the price. Leica camera body alone ($7,000) + 35mm lens ($3,000) = cha ching! like most people i know, i’ve not been blessed with much cha ching, so i did some research on the poor man’s version of the Leica, which is made by a pretty good camera company, Fujifilm.

long story short, i sold my DSLR (which was the only way to pay for this new camera) and ordered the Fuji. and i waited. apparently, this particular camera was so “hot” that not one store, local or online had it in stock. i guess i could have paid 50% over the retail price on ebay for a used one, but i’ve gotten smart enough in my old age to know that that’s not a good idea (even if i really do want it now!)

after a few weeks of waiting, to my surprise, my camera arrived in the mail. let’s just say i’m getting back into the joy of photography again.

here are some pics …

in short, i’ve been lost.

the irony is that i’m supposed to be a sort of expert on surviving spiritual deserts. or at least avoiding them. but somehow i found myself in one and i couldn’t find a way out. what do you do when the life you thought you were so carefully building decides to not just fall apart, but walk away? all of the pieces you hand picked and thought if you laid them out carefully enough and even lovingly enough, they would become the life you’ve always wanted. then reality hits and like the aftermath of a tornado, you’re left holding a few broken pieces or no pieces at all. just questions and two choices. become hard and bitter. or cynical and isolated. you choose both.

the funny not so funny thing about deserts is that you think you can make it through to the other side, but the desert is vast and merciless. it leaves no room for error. it strips of you any pretense of what might be. only what is.

you. the sun. and the endless sand.

at first you’re in denial. you don’t believe that things are as bad as you suspect they might be. but sooner or later you begin to realize that the sand does not end. the things you hold onto ever so tightly slip through your fingers. you become angry. you become angry at others. angry at yourself. angry at God. if He is real … IF … why would He allow you to go through this? if He’s not real, then life is a cruel joke. and the wise man of Ecclesiastes is right. life is meaningless.

when you go through the desert, it is never a short journey. on the contrary you feel as if it will never end. the sun. the heat. the pain. the thirst. the misery. you rant and rave. you cry out for help. you weep in hopelessness. you fall asleep. and that’s just the first day. you exist like this for many, many, many days, if you’re lucky. for some of us, the days become years and very quickly, a lifetime. all of this takes place under the surface of “how are you?”-”I’m fine”.

are all of us afraid of telling the truth? or is it just me?

there are only two outcomes in the desert. you die. or someone rescues you.

this is where God comes in. don’t worry … i’m not going to get sentimental here. someone said to me recently that God is the ultimate realist. i think she’s right. He knows what life is really like. He didn’t want it to be that way, but we came along and screwed it up. He’s been in the repair business ever since. i’m learning that breaking stuff is easy. it’s the fixing part that takes time and a whole lot of sweat and tears.

someone also said that God takes those He loves into the desert. i think he’s right. not just because i happen to be in the desert, but because as i’ve been in the desert – kicking and screaming, ranting and raving, shouting and weeping … God has been silent. like a parent who watches his child throw a tantrum. the wise parent knows the child needs to go through this. because the child is who he is. a child. an egotistical, self-centered, prideful, stubborn, needs-repeated-kicks-in-the-ass brat.

that would be me.

in the desert you learn how it feels to die. and your instinct is to fight it. you try with every strength you have … to live. you make empty promises. you try to hold onto whatever vestiges of hope and life you think you have left and you hold onto them more tightly and desperately than ever before. but the harder you squeeze, the faster everything falls through your fingers and gets lost in the sand. your water runs out and before you know it, you have nothing left. nothing but you, the sun and the endless sand.

if you’re fortunate … somewhere in the many, many, many days or years of wandering in the desert, you learn to die. not out of spite or hopelessness, but in the realization that all of the things you thought you were or wanted to be, were nothing but a mirage. and you simply let go.

when you learn to let go, the mirage starts to fade and the truth begins to take shape. God was here all along. allowing you to die to your self. because that is what you needed to do.

the best outcome in the desert is when you learn to die AND someone rescues you. because that’s when you start to see the truth. you need God.

you need God more than you need anything else.

and you learn to drink and eat His words as if your life depended on it.

because it really does.

Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

ok. quite a few of my friends have been bugging me to post our little home movie on youtube. so here it is.

for those who may not know … our son is really into Star Wars and one day, i thought it’d be fun to do a family star wars film. obviously, i had no idea what i was getting myself into … let’s just say that even the basic special effects took a very long time! but despite the many obvious limitations and challenges, we had a blast making this film. kudos to the family for encouraging me and being such good sports/actors!

now, if i could just have a film crew for the sequel?

and a post production team?

and more actors and extras?

and more locations?

some clone troopers?

…

yesterday, on a whim, i picked up our guitar and started playing a song that i knew my daughter liked and asked her to sing with me. she did and it piqued my interest. she actually sounded good! of course this is probably more of the father talking than the producer – so i decided to try a little experiment and asked her if she would be willing to record the song with me. she said yes.

so today, my daughter and i spent the afternoon in my studio recording this song – just the two of us. i should say that i meant to spend just the afternoon, but before we knew it, it was bedtime – 11pm! suffice it to say, we had fun! i think she’s definitely got the recording bug … and i know i’ll be happy to oblige.

i look around and i see so many people who are hurting. others who are selfish or proud or downright mean. is it too naive to think that love might be the answer to it all? not the Hallmark-isn’t-that-sweet? kind of love, but the kind that takes sacrifice and even some teeth-gritting. the kind that i don’t naturally want to do because it’s just too hard. to keep my mouth shut when i want to give someone a piece of my mind. to be kind and gracious when all i want is justice. to give without keeping score. to bear the cost of forgiving someone without saying a word. no fanfare, PR, spin, or whatever.

ok. i have to stop talking about it now and just do it.

i don’t really have the time now, but i’m writing what i can. life seems to go faster the older i get. i’m trying to slow down and DO less, but i must not be very good at this. actually, i think i’m busier AND doing less if that’s possible. ~ sigh ~

lately i’ve been going through what John of the Cross describes as the “dark night of the soul”. i think A.W. Tozer describes it best …

To do His supreme work of grace within you, He will take away from your heart everything you love most. Everything you trust in will go from you. Piles of ashes will lie where your most precious treasures used to be … Slowly you will discover God’s love in your suffering. Your heart will begin to approve the whole thing. You will learn from yourself what all the schools in the world could not teach you – the healing action of faith without supporting pleasure. You will feel and understand the ministry of the night; its power to purify, to detach, to humble, to destroy the fear of death, and what is more important to you at the moment, the fear of life. And you will learn that sometimes pain can do what even joy cannot, such as exposing the vanity of earth’s trifles and filling your heart with longing for the peace of heaven.

yeah, that’s about where i’m at right now.

my kids asked me what grade i’m in and i said, “i’m in 21st grade” – haha. i’m not sure if they liked hearing how many more grades are possible after 12. but putting it in that perspective made me think – wow, i’ve been in school half of my life! sheesh. what was i thinking?

it doesn’t matter how many times i do this, i always feel like i’m the dumbest kid in the room and every time the teacher says, “no question is a dumb question!” – i don’t really believe him because i usually have a question in my head that i really do believe is too dumb to ask, especially at this level. but what i HAVE learned, is to ask it anyway. ok, so i’ve learned at least one good thing after 20 years of school – lol. or maybe it’s that when you get older, you care less about what other people think. hmm … it’s probably the latter.

recently, my daughter asked me, “Is 7th grade hard?”. i thought about it and replied, “Well, it’s harder than the 6th grade.” i know if she ever asks me about the 21st grade, i’ll definitely tell her – oh yeah!

7 more classes? a few dozen mid size papers? a 200+ pg. thesis and project? 5-7 more years of school?

ok, so let’s do this thing!!!

seriously though, it’s been good for me. because i’ve been forced to think and write about things i wouldn’t have otherwise, it’s caused me to change for the better. at least i’d like to think so. maybe i’ll post some excerpts at some point.

our son, unfortunately, came down with a cold as soon as camp started (unbeknownst to us since no cell phones were allowed at camp). we were very proud of the fact that even though he wasn’t feeling well all week, he stuck it out and experienced everything that camp had to offer.

it’s strange how, on the one hand, i was very happy to hear about all the new adventures our kids had at camp – yet on the other hand, a part of me felt wistful at the thought of them growing up so fast. i wish time would slow down but i know if anything, it’ll just get faster. ~ sigh ~ guess i’ll just have to take more pictures and videos.